If I were to have one of the seven deadly sins, I’m sure I would have wrath. I thought once upon a time it would be avarice, but seeing how tonight’s events unfolded, I’m pretty much set on this being the choice.
So as everyone who has some sort of connection to the outside world, jobs in most parts of the country are hard to come by. Three weeks ago, I had interviewed for a job that I was positive that I would’ve gotten. It was in a field that I was an expert in, I had time to give to the job, I was willing to work my fingers to the bone. They said I would get a call within the week, either way. I haven’t heard of them. Look, I understand that you have a business to run, but that doesn’t exclude you from basic human politeness (for lack of a better term), on returning a call. I’m not going to turn this into a ‘I am the 99%’ thing, I’m flat out bitching about how someone runs their operations.
And so with the time that has passed, my parents have hounded me on getting a job. Now, they don’t watch a whole lot of news, and the few minutes they do, is on the horrible local channels. This leads to the problem of them not really understanding how the world is working right now. They’ve got this ‘back in my day…’ complex going on. There is a definite generational gap here. More on this in a bit.
My days are quite simple, seeing how I don’t work or go to school. I sit at the house, cleaning it up, and help my brother out with his high school work. Not at all hard. I recognize that I’m bored, and this whole ‘sit on your ass’ gig isn’t working. I want a job so desperately, if only for the ability to get out of the fucking black hole that is my house, and to meet new people. Now, anyone that knows me on a personal level, knows I’m fairly self-sufficient on entertaining myself. INTP and all that. This declaration of wanting to talk to people would be…setting a precedent to say the least.
“All that hate’s gonna burn you up, kid.”
“Keeps me warm.”
My parents and I often lock horns over things such as school (don’t want to go back) and getting a job. Tonight was no different. And I let my wrath get the better of me. I’m not too sure why my parents should be able to take my permanently turned-on anger into boiling, incandescent lava-wrath. I mean, I pride myself on defusing myself before I explode, but I skipped all the usual pressure release valves of Anger, Annoyance, and Rage in an instant. I sat on the couch after I said some things I perhaps shouldn’t have said, trying to read and contact someone to vent to, before my dad comes back, and picks another fight. At that point, if I had spat the blood that pooling in my mouth from me biting my tongue trying to not respond to his hook, I’m sure it would burst into flames at will.
Failing to contact someone (I’ll freely admit I really didn’t try), I went to my room to try calm down, consisting of listening to Manson, who’s delightfully nihilistic music somehow simultaneously tempering my wrath and pushing it farther.
“Where’d you go crazy boy?”
Now, as a someone who’s trying to recover from depression, the best analogy of my mental state is something like a star with a mass of over ~15-20 solar masses. It explodes violently in a super-nova explosion, and collapses into a black hole. And it takes time to climb back up. Sometimes, I don’t get up. It’s like my emotions and I play Scar and Mufasa at the wildebeest stampede.
“Long…live…depression!”
That being said, I’m not on any medication anymore. Kinda glad that I’m not. Doesn’t allow me to be like how I was/am. I suspect that it wouldn’t have let me release and vent.
A pill to make you numb,
A pill to make you dumb,
A pill to make you anybody else,
But all the drugs in this world,
Won’t save her from herself.
Yes, I am getting better. No, I’m not ‘free and clear.’ I don’t think I ever will be, even with all the seemingly endless coping mechanisms that I have.
“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.”
Someone told me that I need to get laid. I laughed. Me, someone so wrapped up in defenses to keep those out, would willingly let someone else in? I’ve had trouble trying to find someone who has even short-term prospects. I’m a bit Machiavellian in my relationships, you see. A character flaw? Maybe. All I see is people who haven’t had the ability to seethe strings I’m manipulating them by.
I think I’m done here. Not too sure.
